In just a few short years, my body has rebelled against my inner being, aching, stiff, fat, clumsy. I used to call it my “Uncle Arthur”, but arthritis is hard to joke about now. Lately as I watch TV or see younger people effortlessly run, exercise, climb, jump, my heart is sometimes filled with sadness as I realize I will never do many of those things again. My joints would give out on me, and I would break a bone. Even climbing on a stool is rather scary. I have had to say good-bye to many activities that I love. And I’m not even that old – just into retirement age.
Yes, I can be thankful for what I can enjoy. I walk 2¼ miles 4-5 times a week, ride my bicycle all over the neighborhood, swim, and kayak. But it is not effortless anymore.
Recently I had an episode that landed me in the hospital for a couple of days and led to a diagnosis of Atrial Fibrillation. Now this is liveable and treatable, but the medications include a blood thinner, which means I can no longer take the nsaids (meloxicam, naproxen) that relieved my arthritis so well. And those new meds have to be taken on time every day. Just a few short months ago, no medication I was taking could cause harm if I didn’t take it for several weeks.
Add to all that (and I am not trying to whine, just giving a full picture), Dave’s back has been really bad for 4 months or more. He is scheduled for minimally invasive surgery in a few days, and we have hope that will ease the pain. I hurt for him, but it has also meant no travel with him, few activities away from home. I feel like an invalid, and I feel in-valid. I see people’s hopes and dreams on Facebook and I truly am excited for them. But I don’t have dreams anymore. At times I feel like my life is over.
Caretaking for a close family member also takes a toll. I love her so much, but there are limits to what we can do together.
I am very thankful for family, a comfortable home, friends, and the medications that treat my conditions. I am also thankful because I well know that I could have a lot worse health problems. But I have to admit. It is hard at times. Hard to think that I will never again hike up a mountain, swim across the lake, go up and down two flights of stairs easily.
So what is one to do? I don’t think I’m dying soon unless the Lord has something unexpected for me. What lessons can I take hold of in all this? Well, here are some:
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- Enjoy your youth. Take advantage of the strength and mobility the Lord has given you. Don’t wait to do the things you want to do. Do what God is calling you to do now. The Dalai Lama said, “Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.”I think I did enjoy my life. I have scrapbooks of travel, pictures of things I experienced, and yes, it is fun to look back and remember those people I’ve been privileged to meet and those adventures I have had.
- Stay as active as you can. There is a commercial of a retiree on his kayak looking at the young guys zip past him. He makes a statement to the effect of, “I accept that I won’t ever be able to do that again, but I won’t accept not doing all I can.” So I will enjoy kayaking and hiking even for shorter distances. I will enjoy traveling when I can with whom I can. Tennyson in Ulysses says, “Tho’ much is taken, much abides.”
- Don’t be afraid to grieve your losses. “Only one course is open to you. Talk at length to the one or two who might invite it, and learn to weep alone in God’s presence without despairing. Jesus is a fellow member of your society of suffering.” Harold Burchett, Last Light
- Be as involved in ministry as you can be. I may not be able to die with my boots on or never retire (which sounds good when you’re young, but may be impossible when you’re old), but I can help with community service, be involved in the music ministry, perhaps be involved in a Bible study. However, women and older people are not as accepted in ministry in the U.S. as they are in Asia. I recently talked with a friend of mine who like me was involved in Bible teaching, music ministry, and education overseas. For both of us, finding roles in those areas in the U.S. has proved impossible. Rather than respect for our experience and learning, we are considered too old to accept jobs where we could make a lasting impact. Thus “be involved” as much as you can be. It’s frustrating, to be sure. But we persist in asking God to open doors for us.
- Do not depend on your spouse for your social life. Again, this is hard in a climate where couples are expected to always be together, and some social events do not include singles or widow(ers). There are many events I would like to attend in which my husband has no interest. At times we will go to what the other wants for the sake of our relationship. But there are some things I can do on my own, and not bother him with it. We have learned over the years that this is perfectly acceptable. At the same time, we look for activities we can do together.
- Finally, spending time with children and grandchildren is a wonderful plus at this time of our lives. I never want to wear out my welcome from my children – they have their own lives, and that is as it should be. But I am so grateful that they include me in their lives as much as they do!
I’ve heard everything from “Grow old gracefully” to “Old is a frame of mind.” It can be, and I could easily throw in the towel and die before I’m dead. But my innate realism forces me to acknowledge the real drawbacks in getting older, while enjoying as much of this time of life as I can. A friend chanted about possible death in a frightening situation, “Not one day more, not one day less.” Adjusting to the limitations is only for a time. When death opens the door to heaven, or Christ comes for His followers, I’ll be running and climbing and jumping with the best of them. And never again get older or have medical problems. I believe there will be so much to explore and learn, and that will be the best stage of life, ever.